My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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