every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
one might say we're banned from that church
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
