just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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