The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You took a bar mat shot.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
