Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
