so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
