Little spoons don't ask big questions
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
