When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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