Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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