I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
