Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
