She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
