sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
