This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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