I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
