are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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