I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
