need another drink. this is the easiest way
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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