you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
