I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize