i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
