My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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