The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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