I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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