I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
