I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
