oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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