i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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