you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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