And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
