he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
