i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
