I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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