my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
