I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
