This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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