The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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