i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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