why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
