did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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