dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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