We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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