I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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