I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
