From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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