Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
