Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
