u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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