I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
