Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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