In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
