I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
