Just took my morning after pill in the library
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
