Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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