the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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