I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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