I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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