At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize