U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
