i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
