Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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