My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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