And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
