you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
