her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
