um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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